What Is Emotional Regulation And Why Should You Care?

Have you ever experienced such a strong wave of emotion that you felt like you were out of control or like your emotions were controlling you? This might take the shape of yelling at someone, throwing something, screaming in traffic, or saying something hurtful to someone you care about.

Do you wish you had better control over your emotions and the resulting behaviors?

Well, good news, you can! But first you’re going to have to learn a little bit about what emotion regulation is, when and how you were supposed to learn about it (hint: most things come back to our childhood guardians, for better or worse), why it’s so important, and what you can do about it now.

So, let’s talk about emotion regulation.

What is emotion regulation?

The American Psychological Association’s (APA) dictionary of psychology states that emotion regulation is “the ability of an individual to modulate an emotion or set of emotions.” There are two types of emotion regulation: explicit and implicit. Explicit emotion regulation is when you consciously monitor your emotional state and behaviors, where implicit emotion regulation is unconsciously modulating your emotional response. Generally, one has to start with explicit emotion regulation so it may become implicit over time.

That was a fancy way to say that in order to not say something hurtful when you’re feeling angry, you need to be aware of your emotional state. Only then can you control your actions. But if you practice long enough, it will become second nature.

So, that’s what emotion regulation is.

Now, when and how were you expected to learn about it?

Unfortunately, emotion regulation isn’t really taught in school (yet?!). But it is a learned skill, which is great news because it means you can learn how to regulate your emotions. Emotion regulation is not something you’re inherently born being able to do or not do. Generally speaking, we learn how to regulate our emotions through our parents. This, of course, means some people never learn it.

According to John Gottman, there are basically two types of parents: emotion dismissing and emotion coaching. Let’s dive in to what both of these looks like.

Emotion Dismissing

Emotion-dismissing parents want happy children and see unhappy children as a failing of their ability to parent. They want to protect their child from feeling anything negative. They believe that one shouldn’t feel bad and they’re impatient when dealing with negative feelings. They believe in focusing on the positive and deemphasizing the negative; they’ll try to distract children from negative feelings with tickling, play, food, TV, etc. They think examining one’s negative feelings is a waste of time or even harmful. They have a difficult time talking about emotions.

Example of an emotion-dismissing parent:

Let’s say a child is upset they can’t go to their friend’s house. The emotion-dismissing parent might tell the child that they shouldn’t dwell on those feelings and should just do something else they enjoy like play a video game or go outside. Or, they might try to distract the child by offering them some cookies.

The emotion-dismissing parent can be very caring and affectionate, while still dismissing their child’s feelings and failing to teach them how to regulate their emotions.

Emotion Coaching

Emotion-coaching parents see negative feelings as an opportunity to bond with their child and teach them how to sit with their emotions. They see negative feelings as healthy and part of the growth of their child. They are patient with negative emotions and communicate understanding and empathy. They help the child label their feelings and try to understand them. They problem solve with their child and discuss what the child can and can’t do when they’re upset.

Example of an emotion-coaching parent:

Let’s again say a child is upset they can’t go their friend’s house. The emotion-coaching parent recognizes that the child needs to sit and process their feelings and they avoid judgements like, “it’s a waste of time to be upset, go outside and have some fun.” Instead, they ask the child to reflect on how they’re feeling, label it (emotion wheels are great for this!), and they validate those feelings. The goal is to convey it’s okay to be upset, you are not alone, it makes sense to feel what you do, even with these feelings you are accepted and loved.

It's likely you experienced one of these more than the other. Depending on what type of parent (guardian, or even teachers) you had, you may have more or less emotion regulation skills now as an adult.

Why is emotion regulation important?

Well, in addition to significantly impacting your children’s development, should you have any, your emotion regulation skills impact your life on a daily basis.

According to one of the leading theories on emotion regulation, the process model, our feelings are created through a series of five markers: a situation, how it occupies our attention, how we interpret it, our emotional response, and finally, how we act.

Let’s use waiting in a very slow checkout line as an example.

(which person reminds you of you?)

Different emotion regulation skills allow us to process situations different and react differently as a result. 

Low emotion regulation skills:

1. Situation: I’m stuck waiting in a slow checkout line when I have some place I need to be.
2. Attention: I fixate on just how slow the cashier is moving, how many people are ahead of me and how much they’re buying.
3. Interpret: I view the cashier as lazy and unmotivated. I view the person checking out as gluttonous for buying so many items. I need to leave and I think the world is trying to make me late and ruin my day.
4. Emotional response: I’m angry, furious even.
5. Action: I’m sighing loudly. I’m displaying my impatience. I’m short and rude towards the cashier once I finally get to the checkout.

Better emotion regulation skills:

1. Situation: I’m stuck waiting in a slow checkout line when I have some place I need to be.
2. Attention: I’m thinking about how next time I need to leave earlier. I take a moment to check my messages and tell someone I’m running a little late. I choose to catch up on my emails instead of fixating on everyone else.
3. Interpret: I recognize everyone is human. We all move at different speeds and I can’t expect everyone to move at the pace I want them to or only make small purchases. Perhaps the cashier physically can’t move any faster, and the person checking out is entitled to buy as much as they need. I don’t know anyone’s personal circumstances.
4. Emotional response: I’m a bit anxious and upset, but I choose to assume everyone is doing their best given their current circumstances.
5. Action: I’m patiently waiting in line. I’m occupying myself with my email. I smile at the cashier once I get to the checkout.

Building our emotion regulation skills can help us lead happier, healthier lives.  

So, what can you do to build up your emotion regulation skills?

I’m so glad you asked.

Practice Labeling Your Emotions

It may sound juvenile, but you can start by labeling your emotions as you experience them. This will help you build self-awareness around your feelings. It’s important not just to know that you’re upset but that you’re specifically feeling neglected, rejected, angry, and hurt.

Being able to clearly communicate what you’re feeling, even just to yourself at first, can help. Try using an emotion wheel or feelings list to uncover what you’re truly feeling. You can even try writing them down and tracking them over time to stay in touch with what you’re experiencing, how you handled it, and what results that had.

Practice Accepting Your Emotions

When we allow ourselves to have powerful negative feelings without feeling shame about them, we get to experience them without making them worse. If you feel shame over feeling angry, it’s likely to intensify how bad you feel. Instead, understand that all feelings are valid. None are inherently better than others, while feeling happy feels better than feeling angry, anger is just as important for you to feel. Anger can protect you from mistreatment and push you to stand up for yourself. All emotions are important to be able to feel.

Practice Mindfulness

It’s not just another trendy word. Mindfulness teaches us to be more aware of ourselves in the present moment. Rather than being angry about the past or worried about the future, mindfulness involves focusing on the present. What feelings are you experiencing right now? Why are you feeling that way? Try not to judge your thoughts or emotions or push them away, just acknowledge them.

STOPP

One method of practicing this is by using the STOPP technique (also called the STOP technique), which is part of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).

Try the following steps:

S – Stop, don’t react immediately.

T – Take a deep breath and/or a step back.

O – Observe your thoughts, feelings, body, and behavior.

P – Pull back and look at the bigger picture.

P – Practice what’s best for the current situation.

So, in that slow line, you might:

1. Stop.
2. Take a deep breath.
3. Observe that you’re clenching your fists and sighing loudly because you’re feeling anxious about being late. You’re concerned people will think you’re irresponsible and lazy and that feels upsetting.
4. Pull back and realize you’re human and therefore you make mistakes, it happens to everyone. Next time you’ll leave earlier.
5. Practice being patient and not taking your anxiety out on other people.

Mindfulness and practices like STOPP help us stay in the present moment and truly understand what’s going on in our minds. They can help ground us so we don’t simply react to situations based on our emotions, but instead choose our actions after recognizing what we’re feeling and why.

Building up your emotion regulation skills won't just benefit you, they'll benefit your friends, your family, your career, and your success. Plus, they'll directly benefit your children, and their children, and their children, and so on.

You can help enable generations of happier, healthier people.