As parents, we all strive to raise our little ones into well-rounded, confident individuals who feel heard, understood, and validated.
But how do we actually make this happen?
Step 1: Get Your Own Emotional House in Order
The first step in creating a supportive environment for our children is to take a look at ourselves. How we manage our own emotions directly affects how our kids will learn to handle theirs.
Think about it. How do you react when you're feeling stressed or upset? Do you yell? Do you smash things? Do you overeat or under eat? Do you reach for a cigarette or take a drive to clear your head?
Kids are like sponges, soaking up everything they see and hear from the adults around them. So, when they witness you losing your cool at a fast food drive-thru, they'll learn that lashing out is an acceptable way to handle frustration. When they see you numbing your pain with food, they'll learn that it's okay to use food to avoid dealing with their emotions. When they see you give someone the silent treatment, they'll learn that it's okay to emotionally abuse others.
It's important to model healthy emotional regulation for our kids, so they learn how to identify, express, and regulate their own emotions in a constructive way.
Step 2: Create a Safe Haven for Your Kids
It seems that most parents fall into one of two camps:
- "My kids can talk to me about anything."
- "I need to keep tabs on what my kids are doing and keep them in line."
The truth is, even if you think your kids can talk to you about anything, most kids only feel comfortable opening up to their parents about certain things.
So, how do we create an environment where our kids truly feel like they can come to us with anything? It starts with validating their feelings and experiences. This means listening to them with empathy and giving them space to feel what they're feeling. This means not dismissing, minimizing, or invalidating their emotions.
It's easy to dismiss our kids' problems with a well-intentioned, "Wait until you see what real heartbreak is." But what our kids need from us in the moment is to be present, listen, and offer reassurance.
Step 3: Allow Them to Grow and Evolve
As kids grow and mature, it's natural for them to start seeking independence and privacy. They may start to question who they are and what they want in life, which can be a difficult adjustment for parents as well.
It's important to remember that this process of self-discovery is normal and healthy. It's not rejection, it's evolution. By allowing our kids to figure out who they are and what they believe in, we lay the foundation for a strong and positive relationship with them in the long-term.
To Sum It All Up:
Making sure you're emotionally stable, creating a safe space for your kids to be open and honest, and allowing them to grow and change are key steps in raising emotionally healthy and resilient children.
“Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.”
-Bill Ayers
References:
Markham, L. (2011). Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids. Novato, CA: New World Library
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.
