So, your child is anxious. It’s uncomfortable, I get it.
You want to protect them from everything. I mean, it’s your job to protect them. But anxiety is different. When children have anxiety even the most well-intentioned parents can actually make it worse by trying to protect their children from their fears.
You can’t get them out of every situation that makes them anxious and it would be harmful if you tried. That actually delivers the message, “I don’t think you can handle this either.” What they actually need is to learn how to tolerate their anxiety and function in spite of it.
So, how do you help your child manage their anxiety?
Validate, but don’t amplify.
They’re scared and that’s valid. New things can be scary. It’s important you don’t dismiss their feelings by saying things like “it’s going to be okay, there’s nothing to worry about.” You want to acknowledge and validate their feelings, “I know you’re scared and that’s okay. New things can be scary.” Then, guide them past those feelings, “I’m here and I’m going to help you get through this.”
What you don’t want to do is validate and amplify what they’re feeling, “I know you’re scared. This is scary and it might hurt, but you have to do it anyway.” You don’t want to send the message that they should be worried.
So, you’ve validated their feelings without amplifying their concerns. What else can you do?
Try not to dwell or spend too much time focused on the source of their anxiety (where possible).
You know how when there’s something coming up that you really don’t want to do, you keep thinking about it? You end up counting down the days, hours, minutes? Well, it’s the same for kids. When we’re worried about something, the hardest time is before it happens. So, try to keep that anticipatory period short.
Afraid of dentists and have a dentist appointment this month? Maybe don’t mention it until the day before, or the day of. This isn’t about tricking them, lying to them, or avoiding their fears. It’s about not prolonging their anxiety. If they know it’s coming up and they want to talk about it, that’s one thing. But there’s no reason for you to bring it up two weeks before the actual appointment if you know they fear it. You’re not “getting ahead” of their fears, you’re actually adding to them and dragging them out.
Now, remember I said “don’t dwell on their fears” not “avoid their fears.” What you don’t want to do is avoid situations just because they make your child anxious. If they’re in an uncomfortable situation and you remove them from the situation or remove the thing they’re afraid of, they learn it’s okay to run away from their problems and/or to make other people handle their problems for them. They’ll also get the message that they should be afraid of said thing. Instead…
Try expressing confidence that they can face their fears.
You can’t promise them that their fears are unrealistic (they might forget their lines, they might not have fun trying that activity, etc). But you can teach them that trying is the only way they’ll know for sure what they can/can’t do, what they like/don’t like, etc.
Help them see they can feel anxious and do the thing anyway. Deliver the message that you’re not going to make them do anything they can’t handle and let them know that as they face their fears, their anxiety will lessen over time.
Okay, you’ve validated their feelings, you haven’t amplified them, you’ve minimized the anticipatory period, and you’ve expressed your confidence in them. Bravo! But is there anything else you can do?
The best thing you can do is try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety.
Kids are very perceptive. They will pick up on how you deal (or don’t deal) with your own anxiety. If they hear you chatting with your friends or spouse, saying that you can’t handle how stressed or anxious you are, they’re going to take that in. Now, this isn’t to say that you should hide it or pretend you don’t get anxious or stressed out. What you need to do is let your kids see and hear you manage your anxious thoughts and feelings.
(If you struggle managing your own anxiety, read this.)
Children are little sponges. If you can’t manage your own anxiety, it’s important you work on this and try to address it. If you’re already on top of this, great! Let them see you cope with your anxiety.
Summary
This is how you can help your child cope with their anxiety:
Validate, but don’t amplify: Let them know it’s okay to feel anxious, but don’t encourage their anxiety.
Don’t dwell on the source of their anxiety: Keep the anticipation period to a minimum where possible. Don’t initiate a conversation about it unless you’re super sure it’s already on their mind.
Express confidence that they can face their fears: Help them feel the fear and do it anyway, make sure they know you believe in them.
Model healthy ways of handling anxiety: Kids see, kids do. Get on top of your own anxiety so you can show them how to manage their own.
